everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
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I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
This was the best day of my life
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked