Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
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(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
meow
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
scared to check what name she chose
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it