me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
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Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
termite twitter scares me
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Not all heroes wear capes…
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.