Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
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ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.