My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
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Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.