“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
You Might Also Like
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.