“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
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A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
For anyone who needs this today
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.