*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
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They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up