Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
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*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*