Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
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My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake