I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
You Might Also Like
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”