*feels the wind in my toe hair
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*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.