Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
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A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”