“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
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Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Not😆🤣
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
5 ways to appear taller
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.