Black Friday “markdowns” like
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Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
2022: I can fix it
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…