App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
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due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
the noise i just made
Cinematography is my passion
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.