tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
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Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
584.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise