Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
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My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
#winning
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no