Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
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[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.