Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
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turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?