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We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Cake!!
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born