Cake!!
You Might Also Like
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time