Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
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Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
This is always good for a laugh.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
My Plans 2020
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own