Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
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The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today