Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
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life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.