why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
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inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
🙄😏😂🤣
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.