i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
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Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Happens to everyone.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’