Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
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I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
this is the best day of my life
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Nomnomnomnom
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.