Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
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Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.