Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
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Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
“and how does that make you feel?”
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.