him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
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Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Found the job I’m suited for
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe