him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
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Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
You can’t rush stupid.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”