My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
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“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster