I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
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They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.