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Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Yes my dude
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.