“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
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daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.