The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
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The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
some things should go without saying
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic