Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
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[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.