My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
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Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
oppen heimer style lol
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh