[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
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I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.