When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
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I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?