Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
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ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It鈥檚 spaghetti night.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Whatcha doing?! 馃槒馃ぃ馃惗
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I鈥檝e been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I鈥檝e done today
I was first in line