Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
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The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
*cough*
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
But that’s none of my business
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels