Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
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Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying