Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
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James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
and now we wait
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo