Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
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I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding