Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
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Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…