and now we wait
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You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye