* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
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Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
When you’ve simply given up.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets