911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
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Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.