IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
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I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
when dads have a rap battle
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
How about daylight saves us for once