If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
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I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.